[February 28, 2007]

Excuse me, citizens of the planet Earth, but did you see Miss Jessica Biel at the Academy Awards this year? I’m certain you did. She was resplendent in her fuscia gown and upswept hair, floating down the red carpet like a delicate angel with only the muscle mass of her superbly toned ass and potentially lethal biceps keeping her from drifting away into the stars (literal and figurative). But while JB’s inherent smokinhawtness added some welcome eye candy to the proceedings, her presence there also begs the question: who are her PR reps and what kind of strings did they pull to land her a presenting gig at this high-profile, A-list affair?

Because, folks, let’s face it: when one thinks Oscar, one doesn’t immediately think “Jessica Biel!” (I believe I just heard an “Amen!” from Moviepie’s Eric.)

Yet, there she was. Smack in the middle of it all, and plastered across countless “best dressed” lists the next morning. Kudos to her supremely skilled (or just violently persuasive) handlers for finagling this huge step towards making their client an A-lister. Too bad they haven’t been as successful in staging phony relationships for JB in order to quell those lesbian rumors of late. That’s right, I said it: lesbian rumors! (Google it. Trust me.) The director of this year’s Oscars ceremony didn’t help matters—he cut to Biel, then Queen Latifah, then Will and Jada as soon as lesbian icon Melissa Etheridge finished performing, in a succession that seemed to imply, “Look at all the nice, rumored-to-be-closeted gay folks cheering on one of their own!”

With Ellen DeGeneres hosting, Etheridge performing, Jodie Foster presenting and plenty of Sapphic subtext throughout the evening (did you see Emily Blunt and Anne Hathaway holding hands?! raising the eyebrows of anyone who’s heard the rumors that they hooked up while making …Prada?!), it was like the gay girls gone wild! Or, at least, the lady gays politely making their presence known at the first post-Brokeback ceremony.

Here’s the rest of what I loved and loathed:

* LOVED Will Ferrell, Jack Black and John C. Reilly’s delightful musical ode to the unsung, and unrecognized, heroes of cinematic comedy.

* LOATHED Beyoncé. I stand by my “dumb as a box of hair” comment from a review gone by, and would like to add “vapid sourpuss” to the list of descriptors. She didn’t clap for Alan Arkin when he won, you know. She made a point of not clapping. We get it. You wanted Eddie to win. WhatEVER.

* LOVED Forest Whitaker’s speech. Who cares if he wrote it beforehand? It was eloquent, moving and, best of all, came from the heart and wasn’t a long, rambling list of names. I’d much rather hear about his life journey than hear his lawyer and accountant be thanked.

* LOATHED all the hoopla over Martin Scorcese. Yes, I understand how often he’s been overlooked and I’ve heard the endless rantings about how much he deserves to win an Oscar, but come on. People were behaving as though he’d discovered the cure for cancer or scaled Everest naked or something, and everyone and their cousin lined up shamelessly to pat him on the back. He made a violent, bloody cops and gangsters movie that felt an awful lot like other violent, bloody cops and gangsters movies he’s made before.

* LOVED Jessica Biel. (Call me!)

* LOATHED John Travolta, Tom Cruise and the rest of the Scientologists parading around with those plastic smiles and vacant eyes. (Lose my number!)

* LOVED the sharp, pulled-together beauty of Cate Blanchett, Penélope Cruz and even my former It Girl, Maggie Gyllenhaal. Loved it even more that Mr. Maggie, Peter Sarsgaard, finally showered and shaved and managed to looked clean! Speaking of which...

* LOATHED the “ooh, I’m edgy and irreverent” fashion ‘tude sported by the likes of Philip Seymour Hoffman and James McAvoy, who both looked like they needed a shower and shave. Badly.

* LOVED the opening Errol Morris film featuring every single nominee, that ensured each one got his or her face shown during the telecast. This is especially cool for all the non-acting contenders, who normally remain totally faceless and anonymous unless they actually win.

* LOATHED that best original screenplay winner, Michael Arndt, gave the EXACT SAME ACCEPTANCE SPEECH, word for word, as he did at the Independent Spirit Awards the day before. I mean, you’re a writer! Couldn’t you have changed it up, even a tiny bit??

* LOVED Ellen, completely. Ditto Jerry Seinfeld.

* LOATHED Michael Mann’s lame and incoherent montage celebrating “America in film.” Didn’t get it and thought it was really poorly put together. Sorry. Also loathed the fact that the producers still bothered to include it, even though the show was already running late at that point. (Pssst. Oscars folks? Please cut the filler when the clock hits midnight, ‘kaythanks.)

* LOVED that I actually managed to win my small (three people!) Oscar pool this year after suffering a string of crushing defeats at awards shows past. Oh, I didn’t win any money or prizes or anything, just bragging rights. But those rock! And I shall cherish them until next February.

[Read the full list of 2006 Oscar Nominees (and Winners), plus our pre-award Picks and Predictions, and Linda's Best and Worst of the 2006 Academy Awards wrap-up.]