Aquaman (2018)

The only way we can truly describe this film is to imagine how the whole thing went down at an executive meeting at Warner Bros…
Our Rating

Genre(s): Action, Fantasy

Director: James Wan

Actors: Jason Momoa, Amber Heard, Willem Dafoe, Patrick Wilson, Dolph Lundgren, Yahya Abdul-Mateen II, Nicole Kidman

Year: 2018

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Country: USA

[Executive speaks, dominating the meeting]

Aquaman has been kind of a joke in the superhero world, so we need to reclaim him, and, you know, make him AWESOME.

We need to get a beefy, manly guy, you know, no more blond wussy guy in spandex. Be sure he is naturally funny… you know, like that Thor guy. A dude like that can make any movie work just by sheer hotness, right? We want a guy that geeks and bros AND the ladies like… Like Jason Momoa!

Let’s one-up Marvel and keep him shirtless most of the time. We know our assets. He’ll look awesome. He’ll be tattooed and swim around wearing jeans and boots and have a wallet chain.

We need some Oscar-type folks that Marvel haven’t grabbed. Who is left? [Murmured suggestions from others] Nicole Kidman and Willem Dafoe? Fine! Great!

For the arch-enemy, half-human Aquaman’s Atlantean brother, just have James Wan pick someone already in his contact list. Patrick Wilson? Great!

Oh, wait, there is a real nemesis… Black Mamba! [Secretary whispers correction] Black Manta! Get some guy, doesn’t really matter who, but he has to be really angry. Doesn’t matter if he disappears for most of the movie and isn’t much of a threat… we need one of those closing credits teasers for the next movie, so he should work.

And, most importantly, in Justice League we were mocked for having the Atlanteans clear an air bubble to talk under water. Dude, that was stupid. This time make them float around and talk normal, but always give them a rippling shimmer. Even better if the shimmer sometimes makes Patrick Wilson’s codpiece move while he’s talking.

Oh, and I almost forgot (you know, priorities)… We need a chick in there. She is a badass, but her whole role is to make sure our hero become King of the Oceans. Doesn’t matter if he doesn’t want the job. Doesn’t matter if he fully admits he is not qualified. Being a king is any man’s birthright, if you think about it! He’s GOTTA be king by the end. She’s just there to tell him how to do it.

Now that we have all the elements, I want this movie to be HUGE. I’m thinking Avatar! Star Wars! Excalibur! Harry Potter! Gladiator! Indiana Jones! Blade Runner! Heck, I even want it to be like that dumb Sahara movie, because my wife liked it. And thrown in some Puss in Boots-type action, because my kids loved that movie.

[Junior exective whispers in the his ear]

The screenwriter quit? Doesn’t matter! We need more money for the special effects anyway! I know we are running out of time, and the first trailer didn’t go so well, but we need to get this done for the holidays.

[Executive pushes back chair triumphantly]

So you all know what to do. I want ALL the things in this movie. ALL. THE. THINGS. It’s gonna be a blockbuster, don’t worry. Shoot, you saw how much money Venom made even though it sucked? We’ll laugh all the way to the bank. Believe me, it’s going to be terrific.


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