Red Planet

How many different ways can a sci-fi movie suck? Moviepie’s Linda and Tim discuss the ways over a delicious pizza…
Our Rating

Genre(s): Sci-Fi, Action, Thriller

Director: Antony Hoffman

Actors: Val Kilmer, Carrie-Anne Moss, Tom Sizemore, Benjamin Bratt, Simon Baker, Terence Stamp

Year: 2000

MPAA Rating: PG-13

Country: USA

TIM: I should have known, going in, that any movie with Val Kilmer should be killed before release. There was soooo much hype about this movie that you had little chance of avoiding it. But once you’re sitting in your chair, screaming for it to end, you are bludgeoned with the complete lack of story line. It’s true though, Carrie-Anne Moss is nekkid within 10 minutes. (Woo-Hoo!!!!)

LINDA: It was a struggle for me to award this flick a single slice. Even Carrie’s presence, surprisingly, only warrants a couple nibbles of a slice. So the rest of my slice goes to the theater we saw this movie in: a groovy dinner theater. We got to drink beer, eat pizza, and sit in cushy chairs. It felt like being in someone’s living room, except that we couldn’t hit pause or stop the movie.

TIM: “Linda, please make it stop…”

LINDA: The film is carefully modeled on every sci-fi movie cliché, but without bothering with any soul, or screenplay, for that matter. The crew consists of the Hot Shot (Benjamin Bratt), the Rambling Everyman (Tom Sizemore), the Kick-Ass Female Officer (Moss), the Weary Vet (Terrance Stamp), the Hero (Kilmer), and the Quiet Guy That Turns Bad (Simon Baker). Once they get on the planet, they’re picked off, one by one, by Unforeseen Danger.

TIM: I have to say that the pizza was quite nice and the service was excellent.

LINDA: Yeah, that was the first time I’ve had shrimp on a pizza… that was cool.

TIM: It seemed that, leading up to the point of entering the theater, my day had been a complete waste. Now I can only hope Scully and Mulder make me feel better before I go to bed…

LINDA: I was impressed that one character had a flashback to an earlier scene only 20 minutes into the movie. “Let’s recap, everyone!” Not to give anything away, but the finale involves a plot device as ludicrous as a Macintosh bringing down the alien race in Independence Day (“I need a power source. Hmm.… Hello… what’s this? It says ‘BATTERY’ on it. Hell, this might just work!”).

TIM: I’ll say only this… “Robotic Kung Fu” What the hell?!??!??

LINDA: If I were an Evil Robot, I don’t think I’d waste time striking a pose before ripping a victim apart. But then the robot was referred to as “Sweetie”, so maybe she just wanted to look good.

TIM: When a character either sacrifices himself for the good of another, or has irreparable bodily damage due to trauma, you would expect some emoting from the actors. This was not the case. Can you say cardboard? It’s amazing that a group such of accomplished actors spent so much time learning lines that affected nothing in the universe. I have a feeling that they may have had to wake the film crew from random napping on set…

LINDA: To wrap up, let’s just be glad that one woman and one man survive to the end so that they could kiss each other over the closing credits! I mean, what if a couple of guys were the only survivors?


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